Print staff writer Phineas Alexander discusses what would happen if presidential candidate Donald Trump won the presidency. Cartoon by Ashley Lawrence.
By PHINEAS ALEXANDER – Print Staff Writer
Anyone can benefit financially from Donald Trump becoming President with a few simple investments.
This is a Public Service Announcement regarding promising business ventures in the near future. I would instruct all readers to explore each of these opportunities thoroughly, as they may result in unprecedented economic prosperity for you and your family.
According to CNN Politics, Donald “I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to ISIS” Trump has a 27.8 percent chance of winning the American Presidency. One-fourth may not be the most likely outcome, but it’s certainly not insignificant.
What would result from a Trump presidency, other than the greatest American disaster since the Great Molasses Flood of 1919? Firstly, minorities, both racially and religiously, those in the LGBTQIA+ community and anyone else who is not an upper-middle class white heterosexual man, would face arbitrary discrimination.
Groups who encounter these hardships and nonconformists to the Trump regime will likely be forced to flee to our dear neighbor– Canada. Herein lies the greatest business opportunity since the dot-com boom. Investing in ventures that would facilitate this third Great Migration will result in an incredible return on investment.
How will the general public make it into Canada at the numbers we’re predicting? Legal immigration requires documentation and time, and doesn’t let everyone in. How can you profit from this flawed system? Invest in field of mass immigrant smuggling across the Canadian border! In other words, become a cold-weather coyote.
Initial costs include an 18-wheeler at about $150,000. Depending on your view on human rights, you can fit between 100 and 250 people in the trailer. Also dependent upon your human rights stance is the cost of food and water for your passengers. Charge each passenger $1,000 for passage across the border and you could potentially break even after your first trip!
Though I’m not a huge fan of cultural appropriation, those immigrating, especially illegally, will want to be able to seamlessly assimilate into Canadian culture. This brings us our second business opportunity: Canadian cultural assimilation classes. Anyone with Canadian experience and/or internet access has the skills necessary to teach abrasive Americans how to say “eh” naturally, cook poutine and be polite to others regardless of how much you despise them.
Compared to other business ventures, this is a relatively small investment. Overhead costs include advertising for your services and teaching space, unless you hold the classes outdoors, like a real Canadian (this is encouraged). Charge each student a $250 admission fee and you’ll be thriving in the new Trump-driven market economy.
Finally we come to our last investment opportunity. Anyone other than a Canuck will agree that Canada is cold. Immigrants from balmy climates will not yet be acclimated to the harsh conditions in the promiseland. They will require wardrobe accommodations in their transition.
These accommodations are where you can profit. Stockpile winter clothing in bulk. Take a visit to your local Costco and pile your cart high with underpriced mittens, scarves, and jackets. Sell these items on the Canadian border at a premium price. It’s the simple economics of supply and demand!
Though the changes of a Trump presidency may look bleak, there is lemonade to be made from the sour fruit that is Donald “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” Trump. Look to the future and turn your financial dreams into a reality.
After all, a Trump regime won’t be that bad … if you’re rich.
