Story by JULIE ALPAUGH – Broadcast Staff
Blankness; white paper, empty screen, I am about to lead myself down the same path I have traveled numerous time so much so it is as familiar as the back of my hand. The mere power my mind has over my capability is phenomenal. I find myself counteracting my potential with unrealistic doubts I have created that then begin to grow.
The moment he said the essay was due at the end of class it all began. I kept a straight face sure not to reveal the anxiety I felt inside. A steel wall suddenly rose between my ideas and word formulation, everything was hindered. “I won’t be able to finish, I can’t do this” were the only thoughts that I could pass to the paper.
I became so obsessed with the idea of writing I had not even comprehended what the essay was about. Once I understood the prompt, I started myself in yet another cycle anything I wrote was not good enough, it did not sound right, or it was just stupid, write, erase, write, erase, until my lap was covered in eraser shavings. I concealed myself in a personal bubble fearful to look around. If I did, I would see my peers and find them working with ease and this though only pulled me deeper into the path. I knew it would be more and more difficult to bring myself back to focus. The period was running away, and my paper remained blank.
For years I would not complete a single timed essay in class, but I have been able to complete one during class, and this was a big step for me. I let myself relax and was able to move pass the possible stress I could have put on myself. Success like this lets me know I truly do have the power to overcome this struggle and to stray from the path that is so familiar.
It is my mind making me incapable. The feelings are not bogus, and the wall is not imagined. It is my self doubt genuine and built by me. The fact is I do not want to accept that if I can produce such obstacles that I am also just as capable of tearing them right down. Finding once I do I would have a clean canvas for my ideas to paint a beautiful picture. The realization is not easy, and I continually find implementing it even more difficult.
