Former Clarke Central High School student Kinsey Clark sits with her pet dog in her apartment. Despite her apartment rules prohibiting pets, Clark is allowed to have a pet dog since it is a supportive pet prescribed by her therapist. Photo by Porter McLeod.
By KINSEY CLARK with RAD BROSIUS – News Writer
Former Clarke Central High School student Kinsey Clark recounts her experience with cyberbullying and talks about the long-term effects.
The first time I was cyberbullied it really blindsided me and it was done by people who I considered to be very good friends. It definitely changed a lot about the course of the rest of my life.
I had an inkling the weekend before, just because people kept saying things to me; that there was a website about me. It didn’t really make any sense, and I kind of brushed it off. Then one day my two best friends came to me and they were like, “We’ve known about this and we really need to tell you, (but) don’t know how to tell you.”
I came to my best friend from forever and said, “Oh my gosh, can you believe that these people have said this, done this about me?” She said, “Actually I kind of knew about it, but I’ll go with you to the counseling office and help.”
The first page said, “We are HOK, Haters of Kinsey, join us.” It had this little blurb about why you should join. They hadn’t signed their names, they just had their initials but it was really easy to figure out. It was these five girls. But then there were these two links. One said “secrets” and one said “bitch”, and the “secrets” one was horrible. I remember that more than anything else.
There was a chat room about me on AOL Messenger. The chats were really bad.
We had a meeting with all of them afterwards, all the parents, and half the parents weren’t even upset with their kids and so I really started to think I deserved it to a degree. We had a meeting with everyone to discuss what the parents thought the punishment should be and they were taking it all very seriously.
I just remember the administration being very angry. I felt like I had all of the adults on my side, but none of my peers on my side. I don’t think it’s because they think I deserved it, they just didn’t know what to say or what to do. I mean we were all like 12. What do you say?
“My parents are going to have to read this and are going to have to know that all of my friends hate me.”
We had this meeting and I remember that the administrator liked to make a point of the severity of the things they had done. There was a police officer in there, too. He read some quotes from the chat and that was the only time I have heard any of what those said. One of them said that they wanted to chop my head off and use it as a bowling ball and another was that they were going to cut me into little pieces and feed me to my dog. I don’t know who said each one of those things.
It’d be one thing if they were sitting around in a group, old-school, and just saying these things, but instead it was on the internet for anyone to come across that domain name to see. I don’t know, it kind of changed the game.
It was just so embarrassing. That’s what I remember was the worst about it, like how many people have seen this? I remember. If I close my eyes, I can see it. It’s just some basic HTML web page but I remember it was orange and yellow with blue and white circles. It looked just like a powerpoint slide or something.
The counselor immediately printed those off and then, it was all a blur. I was crying. It started to become clear that (my best friend) had more to do with it than she had originally said she did. But it’s interesting because we’re still best friends today. I would consider her my lifelong best friend.
I didn’t want to go home early and I didn’t know who was picking me up. Unfortunately, it was my dad and when you’re a teenage girl it’s even worse. It had sexual stuff in it, and I didn’t want to tell him. So the principal walked out with the copies of the stuff and told my dad out in his car. I had to get into the car and my mom was so angry. I just remember how angry my parents were.
I try to think back to how I was then. I go to therapy now, I didn’t realize the long term effects of this. This is the root cause of a lot of my other issues. I’m trying to build positive neurological connections in places where I’ve built ones to think that people are out to get me or that the whole world is bad or that like I somehow have fooled myself into thinking I’m a good person.
For a while I really thought I was over it. But, honestly, I think I really just avoid thinking about it a lot of the time. It’s not something that really pops up in my memory. Right after that was the first time I’ve ever really felt depressed, and that never really went away since. I look back and 10, 11 years old were some of the last times I remember being genuinely happy and yet I can’t even remember what it feels like to be 10 and 11. I can’t. It sucks.
Clark in the sixth grade, the year when HOK surfaced and severely affected her life. Photo courtesy of Kinsey Clark.
I used to not like to write down my name on papers, I used to hate my name because it just reminded me of their club.
Now that I think about it, you know when you’re like real little, like seven, eight, nine and you’ve done something and you know it was wrong and you know you’re going to get in trouble. It’s in the pit of your stomach and you’re going to throw up and you’re kind of shaky. Like dread almost. This dreadful guilt. Because it’s more than just dread of fear, it’s like you know that you did something wrong and you’re going to get in trouble.
That was the way I used to feel, shaky and like I was going to throw up. That was how I felt looking at the website, like, “My parents are going to read this and are going to have to know that all my friends hate me. Everyone is going to have to know that I’m this terrible person.” I felt very guilty and very filled with dread over it all coming out. I just wanted it all to go away. I didn’t really want to have to deal with it.
I was reading back through my old journals and there is one part at the actual time of the event. It’s so weird how detached my journal entry is. It’s basically just like in not very much detail at all what happened. “Oh my gosh, Laura and these people made a website about me and it was really mean and I can’t believe it but everyone says they’re just mean and I didn’t deserve it and blah. Blah blah blah.” It’s like nothing. It’s very surface-level.
Then like a year later there is very different fast, crazy writing. I think I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote it. It’s very dramatic. It’s basically just me saying that I wish I had confronted them, that I wish I had told them what they did, that they don’t understand what they did to me. Basically that I wouldn’t ever forgive them. How could you ever think I would get over it that easily? I don’t know, it was just weird, just clearly that a year out at least I wasn’t over it, and I guess I’m not still.
I can kind of understand how (my best friend) would be easily brought into something like that. I know that she had a lot of other reasons to be angry that had nothing to do with me so I forgive her truly and wholly, and I don’t know if she knows that. We don’t really talk about it, it’s like a white elephant kind of thing and I’m not really angry at her anymore, but I think she’s still really angry at herself.
