Viewpoints Staffer Samaya Ellis stands before a divided Christmas tree amongst her family. Growing up with split holidays left a lasting impact on Ellis and her “traditional” thoughts about her family dynamics. “Christmas for me creates nostalgia of lost unity within my family, this feeling which was once an emotional rollercoaster has helped me understand my family dynamic and our differences,” Ellis wrote. Illustration by Sam Harwell
Viewpoints Staffer Samaya Ellis reflects on her history of suffering split holidays within her family and how that dynamic has changed over time.
I was 2 years old when my parents split into separate homes, so the holidays have always been a complex and emotional experience for me. Although, to outsiders, the experience may just be seen as double gifts and two times the holiday fun, split holidays are bittersweet.
On one hand, I get to see both sides of my family for the holiday festivities when I normally live with my dad, but on the other, I constantly crave the unity of a family that once was whole.
As an individual who longs for routine and stability, the holidays are very mentally draining. The endless hour-long drives that lead to overstimulation caused by not knowing what’s coming next is exhausting. As I’ve gotten older I’ve got to decide when and where I want to be, so the drives have only become more and more frequent. Many times when I arrive at the house, I feel guilty for just wanting to rest.
I have always compared how different family dynamics functioned during the holidays. I remember watching my 13-year-old sister, who grew up in a “traditional” family, celebrate Christmas with both our mom and her dad almost every year, while I had separate holidays. This was confusing and often made me wonder why she got what I thought was “special treatment” when I didn’t.
“I have always compared how different family dynamics functioned during the holidays. I remember watching my 13-year-old sister, who grew up in a ‘traditional’ family, celebrate Christmas with both our mom and her dad almost every year, while I had separate holidays. This was confusing and often made me wonder why she got what I thought was ‘special treatment’ when I didn’t.”
Getting in the car to go home to my dad after holidays with my mom, I would imagine thousands of things I was missing. It wasn’t fair to me that my sister got to spend the entirety of Christmas with our mom, but I didn’t.
Additionally, constantly seeing “traditional” family Christmas ads and imagery when I was younger made me reflect on my own worth and place within my family. I always felt out of place from the never-ending shifts of “home.”
Now that I have grown up, my views have changed for the better.
As I began to understand why my family was split, my mindset shifted. When I’m left with constant questions, it’s hard to accept the reality of harsh changes in my family. I learned to focus on what I had instead of what I was missing.
Because of this, my holidays have evolved – what was once an emotional journey is now my norm. The idea of celebrating Christmas with both of my parents together feels somewhat strange and unfamiliar.
Of course celebrating the holidays separately hasn’t always been so comfortable, but over time, I’ve learned to appreciate the difference between my households during the holiday season. I’ve come to realize that what matters most is the love and connection I share with my family even with the separation amongst us.
