Graphic by Katie Grace Upchurch
Podcaster Ava Adamson reads a letter written to her younger self on February 19.
Dear Ava,
At the time you are reading this, you are a confused and very innocent 14-year-old girl. Freshman year is going to be one of the worst of your life by far, and I would know because I am you, about a year later. If it makes you feel a little bit better, you’re kind of a decent person now. So, just buckle up and get ready.
I’m just going to start off by saying that you need to calm down. I get that you hate being associated with your sister in a lot of ways and that you express that in a very odd way, but you need to let that go. Also just know because her friends are nice to you, it doesn’t mean that they like you.
Your grades should be prioritized. You’re taking an AP class and you need to stay on top of everything and not goof around. The more you do that, the more it’s just going to make you super stressed when grades are due.
You’re going to love to go to home football games. Never have you felt that buzz of people before now. Enjoy all of your people there, certain ones you won’t see next year. A lot of things are going to happen to you this year and so don’t be rash with your decisions. People are going to come into your life who are toxic, but that doesn’t mean you should take the low road.
Take deep breaths, chill and think about things before you send messages or put them on the internet. I need you to stop hiding the fact that you’re not super feminine and that you don’t like dressing all preppy and being a girly-girl. If it makes you get the gist a little bit faster, you now wear joggers half the time to school.
Also, stop lying to yourself and saying you just like boys; we all know you’re lying, and the longer you push that side of you away, the more it’s going to push back. Most of your friends know now, and they don’t really care, so stop stressing. Your immediate family knows now, but I don’t think anyone else does. But, that shouldn’t stop you from being you.
I truly hate that you’re going to have to endure these deaths of three very important people in your life in a short period of time. This is going to mess you up for a while. You’re are going to be very numb and feel very defensive for a long time. You’re going to internalize just about anything anyone says to you, and you’re going to lose some people to your own self-pity.
These tragedies are going to make you question your relationship with God, but I need you to hold on to it. I’m sorry that they are thoroughly going to change you as a person and shape you into what you are now. But you need to continue to do yoga and things that make you happy. You’re going to be so numb from the things that are going to happen, so try to keep some of your happy warmth. Life is going to feel very grim and grey for a long time, but you will make it through.
You are going to hit rock bottom and have the police come to your house and take you to a hospital. You are going to have to spend the night in a hospital in a room where all of the cords are behind a wall with a police officer outside of your room. Then you’re going to have all of your family realize what has been going through your brain for months.
Your mom is going to hide all the sharp objects and all of the medicine in the house. You’re also going to not be able to be alone for a while.
That experience is going to scar you and still make you cry when you think about it But, it gets better. You’re not going to know what to tell your friends and you’re going to lie and say you were sick. Just know you’ll be able to talk about it soon.
You’re going to start to date someone that’s going to help you get through everything and when y’all break up it will be mutual and you will stay friends. You’re going to pass all of your classes and get to go to camp. You’re also going to meet Trevor and Dev who are now some of your closest friends.
Anyway, Lovie, you’ll get through it. I told you this year was going to suck.
Sincerely,
Ava Larkin Adamson
P.S I love you, ya hot mess
